The C Word

It was the Friday before I was to fly out.

I was sitting in the office of a well-known oral surgeon in the Sacramento area.  My exam was complete and  the doctor had yet to review my x-rays. The nurse said the wait would be 15 minutes. It was more like 45. Time went by slowly. I didn't have an iPhone yet to keep me entertained. I was getting more and more frustrated. What could be taking so long?

Finally the door opened and the doctor walked in. He was in his early 30's, or appeared to be so at least. He was Indian, a Sikh to be exact (he wore a turban). His manners were pleasant and professional at the same time.

He sat down at his desk but then changed his mind and came over to the chair opposite myself. When he opened his mouth to speak it was the last thing I expected to hear.

"I think the lump on your jaw might be cancer"

Cancer.

Honestly, I felt numb. I didn't break down. I rarely loose my composure. Cancer. I just stared dumbly at him for a couple of minutes. He had to repeat himself. Cancer. Could it be? Really? But he said "might". Right? I thought I heard that. Cancer. I'm not sure what I heard. Might? Maybe?

A Chance.

I was a month shy of my 23rd birthday. I graduated from CSUS in May. Got the puppy I always wanted. Out of the four interns that Spring semester I was the only one who was offered a job. I was finally realizing my dream of traveling. All that was left was the Prince Charming and a fairy tale wedding.

Cancer.

Backtrack two months. I was studying for my finals. I was tired after staring at my laptop screen for hours. I was just going to lean my face on my hand to support my head. It's something all of us do periodically without giving it a second thought. Except this time it was different. This time I felt a lump.

It was right on my jawline. It was on my left side. It was about the size of a chick pea.

It didn't hurt.

Being as I was a college student, and an intern, I had no health insurance. None. I did my research online about what it could possibly be. Most websites said it's an infection. But while that matched the description of the bump it didn't sound like an infection. Nothing was swollen, or red, or painful. But I tried all the remedies anyways. What could it hurt? Nothing helped.

Finally I made an appointment with a dentist. And then another. And another. And another. Same stuff over and over again. Its an infection. Take some antibiotics. We'll have to do a root canal. We'll have to pull the tooth. We'll no one was getting near my mouth with any drill or knife until you do some actual "doctoring" and figure out what it is first.

Then I found my dentist. She's still my dentist because I trust her. She's the one the referred me to the oral surgeon. She took a look at my mouth and said that she had no idea what it could be. It was too low to be related to teeth/gums. Not only that, but where the lump was a major nerve runs right through there and she was not going to touch anything there. I just might have ended up with a frozen face from any of those other "dentists".  Great. I'm thankful the Lord directed my steps to her.

So here I was on a Friday afternoon just 3 days from my flight to London dealing with a very real possibility of cancer.

A is for Anxious. B is for Bereft. C is for Cancer.

It is times like these that you lean on the promises of scriptures.

 " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I knew one thing for sure. If it was cancer I was going to fight. I was going to fight for my life. I might lose. Its very possible. I was hopeful but I was realistic. Too many have lost the fight. Younger then I have died. Little Anastasia lost the battle at the age of 10. She never got to see her baby sister.

The hardest part was telling my parents. I remember coming home that afternoon and my mouth was dry. I could have kept it to myself until I knew for sure but my parents would have never forgiven me if I did. I was more worried about how this would affect my family than myself. People told me I was noble for putting them first. I must be very brave. Not even close. But I knew where I was going if I died. I knew I could put up with the pain and suffering. At least that's what I thought. The hardest part for me would not be the chemo - it would be watching what cancer did to my parents, my sister and brothers. When my friend Serge was killed in a drive by shooting a few years before it was very sudden. There was no warning. He was here today and gone tomorrow. I saw first hand what it did to the parents and the family.The pain is beyond words. The wound too deep. Words cant describe it.

But cancer doesn't kill suddenly. It's a slow, ugly, and painful death. I've heard of people crying out for death, but death would not come. Not for many more months and sometimes years. I didn't want my family to go through that.

But the Lord is sovereign. If it is His will for me to go through this trial, for my family to go through this trial, then he will provide the strength. So I prayed. I prayed to be faithful and to go through this with grace and dignity. I prayed that, if it is cancer, then even my death, no matter how ugly, would glorify God. However, I prayed for my family more. I prayed for strength for them. I prayed that my cancer (and even possibly my death) would not push them away from God, but instead make them closer to Him. I prayed for them, that should the Lord decide to take me home, that they would be able to let me go. Let me go home. And glorify God doing so.

I didn't cancel my trip. I thought about doing it but in the end I decided that, come what may, I will enjoy this gift from God. He has given  me one of the desires of my heart - to travel - and I will enjoy it and thank Him for it.

So I prayed, I packed, and I made plans...